


I Should Tell You I'm Disaster

by DarchangelSkye



Category: Canadian Idol RPF, Canadian Music RPF, Music RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Christmas, Confessions, Fandom Allusions & Cliches & References, M/M, Originally Posted on LiveJournal, Party, Triggers, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000, Written in 2007
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-09
Updated: 2010-08-09
Packaged: 2017-10-11 00:37:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/106302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarchangelSkye/pseuds/DarchangelSkye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In all honesty, there was only one reason Jacob finally considered showing up to this party...</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Should Tell You I'm Disaster

Jacob loved Christmas, but he hated these industry parties where anyone who was anyone entered in a shower of platinum and Versace, feigned good cheer while sipping cocktails for the cameras, and pretended for one night they weren't feuding with the "It" darling of the scene they stood beside.

The golden maple of the hotels' ballroom glowed in the chandelier, or that could've just been the Hollywood North sparkle. Matt Dusk's wholesome-as-2-percent voice crooned carols over the sound system, something to fill the air until the jazz band arrived. A tree rivaling Rockefeller Plaza's stood shining and proud, and of course, laughter and gossip rang like silver bells.

It was all so perfect Jacob could just be violently ill.

He looked down at himself in the ol' penguin suit he hadn't worn since his sister's wedding and resisted the urge to loosen the suffocating collar. Yeah, he felt phony, but he couldn't avoid this soiree all night. He sighed, took a drink from a passing waiter, and proceeded through the room to "mingle."

In all honesty, there was only one reason Jacob finally considered showing up, and it was doing a professional amount of mingling already. He certainly looked the part in his suit, never fake in his style or mannerisms. Pure class.

Yep, Jacob knew that crowning glory of golden waves anywhere. Slowly like in a dream, he paced the polished floor towards the young man.

"Kalan?"

He gracefully turned to see who addressed him, and on societal cue the others in his circle drew away. "Jake! Well..."

Well indeed; up until about four months ago they'd hardly been able to look each other in the eye, much less speak civil words. As it was, Kalan looked hesitant enough to bolt. Jacob didn't need a mirror to know he looked the same way.

_Breathe. Breathe._

Kalan coughed. "I didn't know you went to these parties."

"I don't."

Kalan's brow furrowed and Jacob turned to see why, a magazine photographer clicking away every second.

"I _really_ wish they wouldn't do that," the younger man said when the woman was gone, and with that, Jacob knew to relax a little. For all the formal trappings and precise manners, Kalan was, after all (after all this time?) still human. The young man moved towards a catering table and away from the people, and Jacob followed. "So, what made you change your mind?"

"Oh..." He gestured with his drink, the olive in the glass not even daring to move. "Things."

Kalan looked over his shoulder and gave a knowing smirk. "Looks like you don't have much to complain about, huh?"

"Not really," Jacob said as he plucked a confection from the table and tossed it into his mouth, societal manners be damned. "New video should be ready by Christmas, then when the next tour kicks off- smooth sailing."

"Smooth," was Kalan's only response, his eyes looking away.

The older man raised an eyebrow. He'd been used to his friend's shifts in mood when they were alone during that summer, but that was before reality came crashing down. "K, are you alright?"

"Why shouldn't I be?" Kalan finished his drink in one swig and set the glass on the table. "The album's finally out and Mom's feeling a lot better, it's like you said...smooth sailing." He picked a Toblerone from a glass bowl, examined it, and put it back, to Jacob's silent disappointment.

Yeah, circumstances were different now, but there was still the one niggling change between then-Kalan and now-Kalan he didn't want to bring up, that the young man didn't look ready to collapse anymore. _He was just stressed, only stress,_ he told himself. _Nothing to worry about anymore._

Time to change the subject.

"Y'know what I just thought?"

"What?" Kalan looked actually interested.

Jacob took a breath and let out a thought he'd kept to himself since September. "I kinda missed being at the show. Wasn't that weird? Being back in the theatre together, pretty much talking like we did before- man, what would you call that? Destiny? Or Memorex? Or-"

"Or nothing but good PR," Kalan smirked again.

Jacob felt his face go white, then red. "Oh. Yeah. Right," he stammered and set down his drink without taking a sip.

He had to admit, it was foolish to believe maybe they'd circled back to where they started and more or less become friends again. But that was too much to ask for, even at Christmas.

The music in the room had changed to the lilting strains of _Moonlight Serenade_, and a few couples, no one Jacob even cared to recognize, were slow-dancing by the tree. Absolutely nobody was paying attention to the pair of pop-rock heartthrobs standing in awkward, non-meaningful silence.

Jacob sighed. There was no sense making this more painful than it already was. "Never mind. I'll see you later, I guess," he said with downcast eyes and turned to walk away like he should've a long time ago.  
He didn't get far before feeling a familiar hand on his shoulder.

"Jacob?"

He turned again.

"Do you wanna talk somewhere else?" The younger man looked around. "I don't think anyone needs us right now."

Jacob knew they now both looked like hurt puppies, not that he cared if there was still a glimmer of hope.

"...You sure?"

"Yeah."

And the glimmer brightened to a glow as the young men moved to a door by the empty awaiting stage.

It led to an alley rarely seen by anyone outside of a delivery truck. A flutter of snowflakes stood out in the mid-blue of early evening sky, flakes that immediately decorated the young mens' suits as they stepped into the weather.

"You'd think there'd be an awning back here," Jacob muttered to no one in particular as the two stood shoulder-to-shoulder.

"Hmm." Kalan tucked his fingers into Jacob's collar, wiggling them until the tie was comfortably loose. Jacob said nothing about that but allowed a small smile. They still had their little signals.

"You wanted to say something?" he finally asked, keeping the hope in his voice as long as he could.

"Uh, yeah." Kalan laid a hand on the back of his neck in what looked like- guilt? "I...wasn't trying to be snarky back there," he explained. "What you said about being back together at the theatre..." He shrugged. "Well, we were both right. It was good to see each other again, but you can't expect everything to be the same as before, can you?"

Yeah, it made sense. Kalan had only been telling a truth. Jacob didn't feel as hurt as before, but still sheepish. "No," he meekly admitted. People grew up, either following a predetermined path- at the risk of a life of "what if"s- or blazing their own trail, at the risk of alienating others.

"It's the same with us."

"I know," he admitted again and held his arms around himself, hands to his shoulders. It was still snowing, but he hadn't felt cold until now. Or maybe it was their conversation cutting deep. _Why do we always feel our worst when it's so damn cold?_

A short, sharp laugh sounded from Kalan.

"What's so funny?"

He shook his head and brushed a strand of hair from his eyes. "Nothing ha-ha funny...when you asked me if I was alright..."

Oh no.

"Heck, I don't know if I've really been alright for a while."

Oh _no_. "What-" Jacob interrupted, but the younger man held up a hand for silence. It was best to listen to Kalan for now.

"You might as well know this much, Jake. It's not anything that happened recently, it's how I've felt all this time, there's a big difference...Did you know as soon as I was done touring, they almost didn't want me to take time off, just get to new material?"

Jacob shook his head. He should've expected that from 19E, it was almost the same schedule with Hedley, but still- "Damn."

"That's an understatement, especially with everyone around telling you everything you do has to be better than before or else. The 24-hour schedule, being away from home, being lonely, and then Mom gets sick, I just- shut down. That did it. I couldn't do a thing about what was around me, and just wanted to be in control of _something_ and take care of it as perfectly as people wanted me to be..." He sighed. "Management would kill me if this leaked out."

Without hesitation, Jacob curled a gentle arm around his friend's shoulder. "K, have you ever known me to blab?"

"No, but-"

"But what?"

Kalan shielded his arms around himself and lowered his head. Cold silence hung heavy, save for the low hum of traffic. Jacob moved a hand to brush away snowflakes from Kalan's hair, and one splashed on the young face and trickled.

"There's an eating disorder clinic in Suffield," he finally said, flatly. "Four months of meeting with holistic experts and therapists. Four months before I could look at a plate of eggs without feeling guilty. I still have to tell myself a Caesar salad isn't the enemy."

Kalan had said all he needed to say, and the new silence gave Jacob time to let it sink in. Oh, he'd had his suspicions, even when small-town sensibility told him eating problems were for girls. But you couldn't deny the truth. The painful gauntness, hollow eyes, and tragic air were gone, but Jacob would forever see them in his mind's eye.

"I won't tell anyone," he said, even when his mind suggested he should have a long time ago...

"There wasn't anything you could do, Jake," Kalan read his mind.

He could say that all he wanted, but guilt was guilt.

"I shouldn't've dropped out," Jacob blurted. If this was the time to reveal hidden truths, he had nothing to lose. "I was such an idiot, to you, Theresa, the fans, everybody!" Frustrated with himself, Jacob shut his hands into cold fists. "My contract's no freer than yours, I'm a goddamn hypocrite."

"You had no way of knowing, Jake, that was a crazy year for everybody. I forgave you a long time ago," Kalan finished quietly as he brushed snow from their suit shoulders.

If he was telling the truth- _Please let him be telling the truth, even if I don't deserve it_ -Jacob had no words for what that meant to him.

"Really?"

Kalan nodded.

It was a start, that they knew. By being able to trust each other with guilts they told not another soul until now, the connection they once had could slowly rebuild. The "truths" they had one believed in were gone, and if there were any new ones, they needed to be shared. But there was one more hurdle...

"Do you really wanna risk it, Jacob? Throwing away a whole world that could love you to go back to a weirdo who couldn't keep food down or admit something was _wrong_ with that?"

The raw, real vulnerability hurt Jacob to hear now as much as three summers ago. He drew Kalan closer for warmth and reassurance. "K, you're _not_ a weirdo, you're only human, no matter how many reporters and blogging wannabes paint you 'perfect'. I liked your flaws as much as anything."

"I don't remember you saying that," the young man murmured.

Jacob winced despite himself. That saying was right- the truth hurts. "I know, I'm guilty of a lot of things. But I mean it."

Kalan sighed- a grateful sound?- and curled an arm around Jacob's waist. "Thank you."

_No, thank you._ Even if it was going to take a lot more than this moment to start again, for now things were right and good.

Kalan stood on tiptoe and peered in at the party. It was still in progress, and honestly like they'd never showed up in the first place.

"You didn't leave anything in there, did you?" Jacob asked.

Kalan's lips curled into what had to be the most genuine smile of the evening, not greeting-the-masses genuine or even happy-to-see-you genuine, but the sincerity associated with _I love you._ "I didn't if you didn't."

Jacob clasped his hand over his friend's and squeezed. Kalan understood their old signal and leaned in to kiss the older man's forehead. "Merry Christmas, Jacob."

With renewed hope and joy, the two friends ran off to celebrate happiness like old times.


End file.
